The Weird Belief I Used To Have

Looking back on it, the guy in the bowler hat almost certainly fancied me. But at the time, I thought he was talking to me for a completely different reason.

Why I still remember this young man

I was 15 years old, in a warehouse in East London. Techno music and strobe lights filled the room. Two of my best friends were dancing nearby: hot pants, tight tops, arms trailing through the air in front of them. I danced, facing the wall, long sleeves pulled over my hands, shuffling to the music, trying hard not to be seen.

The guy in the bowler hat (it was the ’90s) came up to me and started asking me questions about myself. I don’t remember what they were. All that I remember is this overwhelming sense of gratitude. I wanted to throw my arms around him, weeping in thanks.

My twisted idea of how things were

When we three went out, no one ever spoke to me. The other girls – they chatted away to strangers all the time. Strangers chatted to them. But not me.

At the time, I was SURE that this was because, compared to me, they were:

• prettier
• thinner
• more interesting
• cooler

When bowler hat guy came up, I was 100% CONVINCED that he was talking to me out of pity.

“Look at that boring girl”, he must have thought.
“No one wants to speak to her because she’s so boring. I best go and say hello, cheer her up a bit, be a good citizen”.

That’s why I was so grateful to him.

Why no one ever talked to me

Hint: it’s NOT because I wasn’t pretty, thin, interesting or cool enough.

Reason 1: No eye-contact

When you’re shy with new people (as I was then, desperately), often, you are bad at  making eye contact. This isn’t just arbitrary: it’s a considered response:
You think, “If this person isn’t talking directly to me, it’s rude to make eye contact”. It’s  intrusive.

This is SIMPLY NOT TRUE. But I didn’t know that at the time.

Reason 2: when I did have the chance to say something, I stayed silent.

Again, this wasn’t for no reason. It’s because I couldn’t think of anything to say.

And on the rare occasions when my mind wasn’t completely blank, what I thought of wasn’t interesting, funny or smart.
I thought that, in order to take up people’s precious time with my talking, I had to say something really worthwhile.

This is SIMPLY NOT TRUE. But I didn’t know that at the time.

Your chance to find out how I completely changed
– from the boring, silent one, into someone who can talk to anybody

If you see yourself in any of the above, I have good news for you:

Being shy with new people is not a life sentence.

(click here to tweet that!)

Listen – I understand that some people are generally quiet and happy with it. That’s RAD.

But I’m talking about how I was – with my friends, you couldn’t shut me up. But put me in a room full of strangers, and I became mute. People would say, “You’re so quiet!” and I’d think,

‘No I’m not!! This isn’t me!‘.

When it comes to networking, this feels like a disaster. You know you’re good at talking to people. You have friends, people like to hang out with you. But faced with networking, all of that falls away.

Over the next few posts, I am going to take you through the small changes I made that had  a BIG impact.

I’ll start next week with EYE CONTACT. You may be making mistakes you don’t realise.  And there are very easy ways to fix them. (Click HERE to read that post now!)

Over to you

Do you behave differently with your friends than you would when networking? Is there some extra thing you feel you need to be doing? Or have you also managed to overcome social habits you formed as a teenager?

Let me know in the comments below!

Thanks for reading,

You rule,

xx (Yes Yes) Marsha

 
PS want to know my best-ever client secret – and get even more advice, tips, plus stories that I won’t put on the internet? Come and join the Yes Yes Family – it’s free! Just pop your details in below:

Photo Credits: purplemattfish, Frederic Poirot, chantrybee, and creatingkoan, all via Compfight cc

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