The Best Question To Start A Conversation With
– And How To Avoid Small Talk.

Have you ever had a period in your life where you’ve wished you lived in a sitcom?

Not for everything.

Just to imagine what would happen if, when asked a certain question, you actually told the truth.

A rash decision

Several years ago, I took the bold step of quitting a job with great prospects and a boss I loved, to move from Edinburgh to London.

Why? Because I was DESPERATE to work at a (then new-ish) radio station called Xfm.

At the time, it felt like smart confidence.

Then I actually moved, and realised that it was perhaps blind naivety, coupled with an over-inflated sense of self, the result of being a big fish (one of the only indie show hosts!) in a small pond (Scottish Radio).

Cut to seven months later:

I had discovered that everyone and her mum also wanted to work at Xfm.
I was barely even working, sending demos to EVERY radio station in the country, desperate to get a job ANYWHERE.

Why I wished I lived in a sitcom

The thing I hated most, was people asking me what I did.

I felt soul-destroyed by the idea of what I was doing. I didn’t want to admit what I was doing.

So, instead, I lied.
Or, rather, wildly embellished the truth:

“What do you do?”

“I’m currently freelancing for a bunch of different people [who aren’t paying me], I’ve been doing some guesting on this digital radio network [I went in once, for free] and I’m meeting with Program Controllers of a few different radio stations [I’ve had one email from one. He 
rejected my demo]. 

“Wow, sounds like you’re really busy!”

“Yeah!” [big, fake, toothy, desperate, dead-eyed grin]

Sometimes, I thought about how funny it would be, if I actually told the truth.

“What do you do?”

“Mostly, I pace the corridors of my apartment, weeping, wondering why I ever left my great job in Edinburgh. Sometimes I’ll mix it up a bit with panicking that, having only ever done radio, I’m completely unemployable in every field”.

“Wow, sounds like you’re really busy!”

“Um, no…hence the weeping… and the panicking. Were you not listening?”.

A disclaimer

There are a lot of situations when “What do you do?” is perfectly ok as an opener.

For example, at a conference or networking event – somewhere where people have gone specifically to meet other professionals.

Or if you’ve already been chatting, and have a sense that that person does have a job or business for you to ask about.

(I do sometimes tag it with, “Do you work?”, so they can easily say if they don’t)
But my point is, in other situations, people can HATE that question as an ice-breaker.

So I still prefer to ask something else first.

So, what’s the alternative to “What do you do”?

I’ve heard suggested, “Where are you from?” – which can be alright, but has definitely led me down some cul de sacs.
“Where are you from?”

“Toronto”

“Have you always lived in Toronto?”

“Yes”

“Ever wanted to live anywhere else?”

“Not really”

“Oh. Ok. Well, nice to meet you”

Don’t get me wrong: to me, that’s still enough of a chat for a chase-up email.

(Find out more about those here and here and exactly how and why to write one, here)

I’ve also read a lot of suggestions for zazzy opening questions
“If you were a tree, which tree would you be?”; “What would you rather do, fly or be invisible?”

These are great and really fun,
but – for me – require a certain level of bravery that I don’t always have the energy for. Especially if there is a better alternative.

My killer opening question for almost any situation

For something that could lead to a more substantial chat, I’m a HUGE fan of,

“How’s your week been so far?”

Especially when followed by,

 “What’s been the best part of it?”

Why I LOVE this question

• Everyone has an answer for it
• Because it’s vague, that person can answer it with as little or as much depth as they choose
• It will usually give you a pretty good sense of what that person does do

• It can also (especially if you use the follow up) tell you about something that person is passionate about.

Getting someone discuss what they’re most passionate about is usually MUCH more fun
– PLUS it makes that person feel great about themselves
(which, remember, will make them feel great about YOU! For more on that, see here and here)

My favourite thing this question does

• It creates a certain intimacy between you and the person you ask.

As it’s a question that you would ask of your beloveds, it puts you and this new person a lot further down the line in terms of getting comfortable with each other. 

Clients often say to me, “The thing is, I just *hate* making small talk!”. 

I always respond, “So do I.  I just don’t do it”.

If you hate making small talk – just don’t do it!

(Click here to tweet that!)

Asking a question like this gets you straight into the meaty stuff about someone – no need to discuss the weather or the canapés.

Your Turn 

Try it out this week.

You don’t have to start with a stranger – just ask some people you know and (with the follow-up question), see how much depth you get in their answers.

Over To You

Do you have a favourite question you ask when you meet people?
What do you like about it?

Let me know in the comments below, or by clicking here.

Thanks for reading!

If you know anyone else that would enjoy this post, or find the question suggestions useful, you can share it by clicking on one of the round buttons below

You rule,

xx (Yes Yes) Marsha

PS I got the job at Xfm in the end. Even Wikipedia says so – see here.

PPS want to know my best-ever client secret – and get even more advice, tips, plus stories that I won’t put on the internet? Come and join the Yes Yes Family – it’s free! Just pop your details in below:

Photo Credits: heytherejesus, quinn.anya, sam.kronick and Goce Mitevski via Compfight cc

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