What I Learned From Trying To Make Friends In A New City

They were perfect. Both of them. Exactly what I was looking for.

I sat, pretending to work on my computer. Listening to what they were saying. Trying not to laugh out loud at their jokes. Stealing glances when I could.

The two girls seemed to have known each other a while. As far as I could gather, one was some sort of designer or artist. The other worked for a non-profit. They were lefties, like me. They both dressed really well.

Picking up my mug to sip, I daydreamed. Imagine if I was brave enough to do what I really wanted to? I’d get up from my rustic chair, stroll across the cafe to their table, and stand above them.

“Excuse me”, I’d smile. “Sorry to interupt. I’ve been over there, listening to bits of your conversation. You both seem great. I love your clothes and you’re both really funny. Would either of you like to hang out sometime? I don’t mind which one. I’m new in town and looking for friends. Do you fancy being one of mine?”.

Obviously, I didn’t actually do this. I’ve taught myself how to be brave with strangers – but not that brave.

Why I was so spellbound

I moved from London to Toronto in my early 30s. My oldest friend was here, and my sweetheart and I have a lot of fun hanging out together. But I knew I needed more. I was determined not just to latch on to either of their friendship groups.

But making friends when you…

• are not 21 and out on the lash all the time
• have a job that involves you working mostly alone in your bedroom, and
• are so excited to be finally with your long-distance love, that you want to spend at least five nights a week together…

…is HARD.

When I lived in London, I had friends. I’d ask people out for coffee all the time. But there, I had two major advantages:

(1) by working at a well-known radio station, I had this big, very public advertisement that suggested that I both probably already have some friends and probably wasn’t an axe murderer. I would email people I’d never met but admired (artists, authors) and see if they wanted to hang out. The credibility of my job made me appealing to strangers.

(2) Because I did have so many friends, the stakes weren’t high. I could ask someone out without really being that bothered whether or not they said yes.

But in Toronto, the only jobs I had were for UK companies that people here had never heard of.

More unseen obstacles

Sometimes at parties with the Oldest Friend, I’d meet someone I got on well with, then ask them out on a friend date. I’d be SO nervous.   

What if they say no?, I’d worry. What if they want to say no, but know that I don’t have any friends, so feel they can’t say no? What if they think I’m coming onto them?

Even when they said yes – and we had fun together – I’d agonise afterwards.

“I think they a good time”, I’d tell The Sweetheart. “I mean, they acted like they were having a good time. Is it ok to text them tonight to tell them I had a good time? Or does that seem too keen? Maybe I should wait until tomorrow. Can you please read this text I’ve just composed?”

The moment it turned around

A year and a half in, I met Chris. Chris was my Gateway Friend.

I’d seen him tell a story at a show I’d gone to [alone, feeling like a big weirdo, taking  v e r y   s l o w  trips to the washrooms during the intermission]. A few days later, I saw him in my local cafe. He recognised me from that audience, smiled and said Hi.

Feeling emboldened by being on home turf – and by having a compliment to give him – I walked up to his table.

“I keep telling people about your story, I thought it was so interesting. How do you know about that stuff?”

We started talking about the storytelling scene in Toronto. Conversation felt easy, in that magical way it does when you bump souls with someone. I mentioned another show I was going to that weekend, and we arranged to meet there. After that show, we planned another hang out. I had a friend.

He wasn’t my first. In the previous year and a half, I’d been on other friend dates, had some nice lunches and dinners. But Chris was the first one that felt easy – and the first person that I’d approached as a stranger. Looking back now I can see that making friends with him was the catalyst to the way I am now.

Now, I have friends. Now, I ask people out for coffees ALL THE TIME. The stakes aren’t high. I can ask someone out without really being that bothered whether or not they say yes.

Here’s what I’ve discovered:

(1) It’s all about attitude. And numbers.
I suspect that all the PUA, ‘How To Pull Girls’ books say this too:

If you are desperate, you’ll exude an air of desperation. No one likes to be around that. You’ll also be so crushed by a knock-back, that you won’t ask as many people out. The fewer people you ask out – the fewer will say yes. The fewer who say yes – the more desperate you’ll feel.

(2) It takes TIME. And energy. 
Even when you find someone you click with, you’ll be spending time getting to know each other – which tends to feel very high-octane. Even when your souls bump – there will be a lot of dates before you get to ‘flopping in front of the TV’-level easy friendship. That’s ok. Keep going.

(3) At the beginning, you have to do more of the chasing.
You will put more effort in than your new friend. They’ve been in that city for YEARS. They’ve built their friendship groups. However awesome you are, you need them more than they need you. This is ok. Keep at it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because everything I learned from this also applies to networking. (Remember how Networking is just Making Industry Friends?). Let’s revisit:

(1) It’s all about attitude. And numbers.
I’m not saying that quality is more important than quantity when it comes to Making Industry Friends. But the more people you attempt friendships with – so, in networking terms, the more ‘nice to meet you’ emails you send, the more people you add value to – the more likely you are to build a network of actual friends, who know, like and trust you And who will happily do you favours.

(2) It takes TIME. And energy.
Recently, I did a radio interview, where I was explaining about sending ‘nice to meet you’ emails, adding value, keeping on people’s radars. The interviewer said, “Doesn’t this all take a lot of effort?”. “Yes!”, I said. “That’s why most people don’t do it – and why if you do, it’ll fast-track your career”.

Networking takes time and energy, so most people don’t bother. If you DO, it’ll fast-track your career

Click here to tweet that!

(3) At the beginning, you have to do more of the chasing. You will put more effort in than your new friend. 
If you’re trying to build a relationship with someone who you know can help you – and you’re sensible enough to realise you need to add value, long before you ever ask for anything – they are the higher status person in this situation. You need them more than they need you. You will put more effort into building this relationship than they will. This is ok. Keep at it.

Over To You

Have you ever had to be brave and make friends from scratch as a grown-up? How did you find it? Let me know in the comments below!

Thanks so much for being here. If you can think of someone that would be into this post, you can share it with them using one of the round buttons below. It would make me (and hopefully, them) very happy if you did.

You rule!

xx (Yes Yes) Marsha

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Photo credits:  D.Boyarrin, Andrew Feinberg, Chris Halderman and The JH Photography, all via Compfight cc

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